The Yankees today announced that they will shut down Phil Hughes for the rest of his career rather than risk any further injuries.

General Manager Brian Cashman told reporters, “You can’t be too careful with young pitchers. And our franchise has so much invested in Hughes that we think the prudent course to ensure his long-term health is to never allow him to throw a baseball again.”

Phil Hughes had hoped to return to the Yankees earlier than never, but is facing his life-long rehabilitation with a brave face. “Your first instinct as a pitcher is, ‘hey I want to pitch.’ But after listening to the doctors and the coaches, it’s pretty clear that this is safest path for me. It stinks I won’t be able to go out there and help the team this year, or any year, but you have to look at the big picture.”

Drs Frank Jobe & James Andrews have submitted applications to dental schools across the country. “It took a smart team like the Yankees to finally figure out the scam. It was a good 30 years,” Dr. Andrews said from the throne room of his palace in the country of Sports-Hernia.

After season ending surgery to Joba Chamberlain shortened the bullpen, the Yankee organization declared they would make sweeping revisions in their pitcher development. Minor League pitch counts would be reduced from 90 to zero for all promising prospects. And Major League pitching coach Larry Rothschild will screen a few episodes of The Six Million Dollar Man in order to figure out to transition from human arms to robotic replacements.

Larry Rothschild said he would make some popcorn in preparation.